HI GUYS,

so first things first. i heard a rumour of a rumour involving my engagement. despite the falseness in the rumour i am disappointed that i didnt recieve any messages of congratulations. hmmm. thankfully this test of friendship provides a 'fire-drill' of sorts and i can instruct my dear friends how they can do better when the event actually arrives (if ever). BUY ME PRESENTS!!!!!!!!!!!

so i try to avoid live journal. or at least posting my entry. my page is so boring and has crappy photos. so sarah im leaving the design and the posting of new photos up to you. you know my password etc. i know you will be oh so grateful for this opportunity. anyone has any furthur problems with my lack of activity they can discuss it with my designer.....

so im back in london. beautiful city. looking for a job once again. i forgot how competitive it is here. today i had an interview at a new upmarket restaurant in town. all was good until they made us stand up impromptu and try and sell something. anything. i was third. i was shaking and went red and couldnt string two words together or even look up off the floor. mortifying. even the people who dont speak english did better. i know it doesnt sound so bad but i really struggle with public speaking.... argh.

my last few weeks in edinburgh were amazing if not a blur. free drinks every night served by the simple west-australian farm boy ash. he can lift a hay (?) bail on each arm. then drunken sexual encounters with same farm boy. got a bit ridiculous after a week as apparently they dont understand the word 'foreplay' in western australia...

then a hungover painful train ride back to ol london town and my first ever housemate gemma otherwise known as 'goth vegas'. scraping the bottom of the barrel money wise and still unsure about work iv been occupying my time with season 2 of the L word and my attempt at detox.

Our first home in London, the NEVERN HOTEL, shuts its doors for the final time on sunday. gemsy and i have been lucky enough to score the very rare opportunity to attend this prestigeous event on the arm of earls courts very own drug dealer. 'fonzie'. hopefully it should be a night of severe chemical abuse and catching up with old friends. fingers crossed.

anyway thats about it for me now. for another 3 months. ciao bellas. x

it seems i am more out of the loop then ever before. what is this big day out competition? who is ron? i miss you.

hi guys,

my nose is red raw and iv had 8 sudafeds and still it drips like a leaking tap. or waterfall in the australian desert like on the ad 'where the bloody hell are you?' do you guys see the ad? its promoting australia so probably not. but aparently it was banned for a few months in the uk because it said 'bloody hell'. bloody hell what is the world comign to. so here i am with sarh drinking whiskey and coke on a fine frigid scottish friday. i have black hair now. i got a job in 8 hours which is my record. its at a place called sky bar. we are having the edinburgh premier of bond next week. bond himself wont be attending but the man upstairs with the silver teeth will be. at least thats what i interpreted from my dutch boss. them cra`zy kids in da amsterdam. his wife owns a fashon design business round the corner to our hostel so im hoping to get in with her. i shaved my legs for the first time in 6 weeks. pretty exciting hey? tonight we went to a coffee shop that is a mixture of govindas, the forest in west end, the zoo and the troubador. and its called the forest. very cool. the only problem with scotland is that you cant smoke anywhere. stupid fucking scots. so where the bloody hell are ya? so how is meg and jamies homecoming? im finding it really hard to deal with the cold. its going to be a long harsh winter. i might die. we got tickets to hogmaney so that should be good and my brother will be here in just over a month to spend christmas with me. cant wait for that and to see ben again after all his amazing travelling! not really much else happening in tanya land. humina humina. this is why i never post because i have nothing ever to say. we had a big halloween party at pooley bridge on my last night. i went as wednesday adams with my new shiny black hair. then my phone got stolen and i had a screaming mtch with one of the boys i lived with it basically went
brad ' tanya calm down'
tanya 'SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING BASTARD> FUCK OFF'
door slams in tanyas face.
i miss brad.
the whiskey and sudafeds are starting to give me a nice little tingly effect.
tomoro we are going op shopping. im going to buy lots of hippy fabrics to pin to my bed so i have my own little space in the 16 bed dorm. im excited.
so i hope you all know i am thinking of you and im still alive and kicking. love you x

hi guys. just had a minute to read up on journal entries. michaela do you work in a strip club? what is going on???????? your breasts are huge.... so out of the loop. miss you like crazy girls. xoxo

Hi guys,

Well its been a while. Iv been feeling totally and utterly lost in london and havent had the energy to write it down. and plus i was on strike. Kirsten arrives at 545 tomoro morning so its all very exciting. its an especially good time because i had to say goodbye to damien as he set off for work in amsterdam. he went back home to ireland to see if he could find work but instead took up this great opportunity in amsterdam. I picked him up from the station on wednesday night, and could do nothing but be cold to him. i wouldnt hug him or kiss him and i was a proper bitch. then i decided i needed to swallow my pride and dignity and let him leave with positive memories. so we went and saw massive attack on friday night, took loads of pink pills and had an awesome couple of days. im going to go and see him in a couple of weeks and suss out the work opportunities in holland. a friend here is keen to go as well and it might just be a good change to get out of this town. and even though we arent over i still feel my heart is breaking. ooooh. on thursday after the night that i was a bitch to him i had an hour after work before i met up with him and who was playing in that hour? my lovely missy. so i sat in hyde park outside the festival gates and listened to her sweet tones. and i saw the corrs in the pub we were drinking in on wednesday night. now i have seen orlando bloom, kathleen turner and the corrs. so my work is giving me shitty hours because they dont like me, i need to find some new work in the next week or else im coming home. so in a way its good that damien isnt going to be a distraction for me just so i can sort out my life. i feel like im drowning and iv never been so out of control in my life. iv just realised the thing i dont like about live journal is that i cant seem to order my thoughts in a way that articulates what im saying. so i get frustrated with it and go on strike. there you go!! oh other big exciting news. australia through to the next round of the world cup!!! its fucking awesome atmosphere right now and im getting fully into the football. they are playing again tomoro at 4, so ben and i are gonna take kiki out and watch the game. i hope we get through.

maybe a new way i could get around this lj thing is if i list each individual thought as it comes to me. here goes...

i miss damien. he cried on the way home last night because he didnt want to leave me. he told me he has been happier with me then he has been in quite a while. no one has ever made me feel the way he does. when i found out he was leaving i drank a bottle of whiskey and didnt stop crying for two days. now i have no more tears left but im so scared that by the time i get to him he would of forgotton about me. my heart is broken.

im sick of living in the stupid hostel but because of finances and my current situation of not knowing what the fuck im doing im trapped. i have decided that from tomoro on the order in which i need to organise my life is - 1. work 2. living 3. damien. somehow i need to show kiki a good time as well!!!!! my auntie also gets here on wednesday which will be awesome. when do jimmy and joel arrive? is there anyway that i could contact them to see if they want to meet up?

so guys im sorry for the slackness and this post must sound so self obsessed but please just understand that im going through a really fucking hard time and i can barely handle having a shower let alone being a good friend. i am sorry and i have decided this week is the week my life gets sorted out!!! horay!!!!

i love you. t

hi poodleabras,

it has been a while since i have posted. it is because i was on strike from live journal. im still on strike just bored. i have to go to work in 2 hours. poop. then i have to get up at 9 and go to a staff meeting in the morning. then i have to have a pap smear. poo poo. the doctor doesnt like me. he lectured me about smoking and drinking when all i wanted was a new pill prescription. for fucks sake. do you like my photo? i think we look like famous people. i have a horrid little pimple, actually its not so little, on my neck. its awful and i cant squeeze it. i went for a picnic last night with irish. im a little obsessed. i need more money too. how come you guys can write nicely worded journals that actually tell a story. i have no stories. oh wait. i saw orland bloom a few weeks ago. i just remembered today and i havent really told anybody. but yes i saw orlando on earls court road. he turned back and looked at me. argh this pimple is giving me grief. i went a little crazy on sunday night. i called lots of people home including my family and kalon from damiens phone, muttering something about shakespear. i was singing death metal in my sleep and i broke into sobs mid love-making. but apparently i was funny. thats it im done. peace my little buttercups

my dear sweet angels,

it has been brought to my attention that my behaviout appears to be less then savoury. i feel the need to defend myself because you should know that my life at the moment isn't all about drugs and alcohol and random sex. iv been seeing the one person for nearly two months so thats the sex thing over and done with. as for drugs iv had 4 pills, one point of speed, two lines of coke, one night of magic mushrooms and a couple of spliffs. not very much in 4 months is it? and yes im drinking more alcohol then i did at home but im here for a good time right? i have no real responsibility here except for my debt repayments and that was the reason i came here in the first place. ok so now thats over and done with. il tell you about my day so that you know there is more to my life.

started work at 10, stopped at starbucks on the way, the guy shortchanged me 3pounds. had a cigarette and set up the dining area. the manager gave me 5 pound from the till to go and buy flowers fromt tesco metro in covent garden. so i had a nice little dawdle around in the warm sun. work was quiet all day. waited on maybe 5 tables got 4 pound tips over all. gemma, sarah box hill, hella and dave all met in the bar before they went off to a show. skimmed a beer off the till got on the tube and came home. cooked myself dinner which was gross and made me feel ill. so i came upstairs and slothed around feeling sorry for myself. decided i needed some chocolate so i walked to sainsburys and bought some muffins and rockmelon. had a chat to helen who relieved some of my anxiety regarding leprochauns and then came on the internet to catch up on some live journal reading. also in between i spoke to miguela about her ordeal.

so you see. boring. love you lots. stay safe.

hi miniature chorizo chunks,

the scene...i have burnt my hand. it hurts. hella is giving gemsypoo a massage, sarah is getting changed for yoga and laura is celebrating her new job with beer and tanya is updating her beloved lady friends on the past week.
apparently we have become slack. sorry guys. soooo let me rethink the past few days....

ben came the other day. i got home from work earlier then was expected and saw a beautiful brunette mane in the kitchen. i couldnt even see his face but i just walked past everyone else and wrapped him up in a big fat hug. the boy looks gorgeous and it was awesome fun to see him. he was only here for a few days but everyone here fell in love with him. the guys think hes awesome and the girls think hes sexy. we've made a tentative plan to go to spain for a month after reading and then head to ireland for a little while. i got up at 4 in the morning to take him to the place his tour was leaving and i have to admit i shed a tear walking away from him. only about 5 more weeks though and hell be back. and kiki will be here. not too long.

thursday was the most beautiful day i have seen since iv been here. i had a little fight with damo the night before and so went to bed feeling like shite. but woke up and the sun was shining so bright. we were going to go to camden for the day but i suggested chilling out in the sun in hyde park. so he picked me up and we walked to hyde park, stopping at waitrose and bought some food and wine and had a picnic in the park. it was absolutely lovely. the best thursday ever. then we came home got more drunk, and had to go to work.

hmm. friday night was hels birthday. we drank here then walked to a salsa club on high street. drunk as a skunk. quite content with my drunkenness but took up the offer of pills. got fuckedy fucked. i walked my little sarah from box hill home, peaked harder on the way. laura and charlie were having intimate moments when i got in the room and since everyone else was still salsaing away i had nothing to do but sit back and ride the wave. i fell asleep in blissful ecstacy woke up a little bit later when everyone came back. had more pills, cant really remember much except taking all my blankets down and snuggling up on the steps next door to hels, irish mike (very sexy), stevo.... had a few kisses with stevo as you do on pills. it was fun. then i fell asleep in helens bed. woke up with her italian kissing friend standing at the head of her bed in his white jocks yelling in broken english. he assumed we had shagged each other and 'he cry'. awww. so it was quite the scandal.

the day was spent sleeping and drinking. i bought another pill that night just to get me through but it made me cranky and sleepy. so i went to bed and told damien to come up when he was ready. he woke me up at 4 and turns out i was still wired. we tried to have a sexy shower but i couldnt stop talking gibberish. i think he was worried about little me. he walked me to work the next morning and i came home to find him sleeping in my bed. we had a romantic dinner of nandos in bed.

today had my day off and slept like a sloth most of the day. now im listening to triple j. the next lineup for reading kicks the ass off splendour. sorry girls. also i finally got pictures up so you know im still alive. love you lots. peace girlies xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

hello lassies,

i think i have broken some sort of record. i have had sex 12 times in the past 24 hours. what am i doing having sex for 24 hours when i have london at my feet you ask??? this is why....

friday night spanish laura made sangria, got fucking fucked up of that. then drank some more beers at the pub to come home to find out management had shut up the loungeroom for the night because everyone had left all the sangria lying around in the kitchen. so the party moves outside. beers and more beers. then the remaining few at about 3 moved into adams room. adam the resident dealer offers me a lick of some whiz. i think to myself.. í shouldnt i have my first day of my new job tomoro. i shouldnt´. nonethe less i did. forced myself into bed an hour later woke up at 9 and took myself off to my new job at PUNCH AND JUDY.

i like working there heaps more then weatherspoons. its not the kind of place to get paedophiles and $murderers and they tip like crazy. anyway having had no sleep and being sorrounded by alcohol on my way home i stopped at somerfield and picked my self up a bottle of creaming soda and vodka. drank that down. then lisa and helen convince me to go to a party in ealing broadway. lisa says dont worry tanya i dont really want to stay too long so we will get the last tube home at 11. sounds easy. then comes the offer of pills. i have to work at 10 oclock the next day bear in mind. il just do a quarter. easy. damien comes in. hes taken the same pill. the boy can drop 10 at a time and still appear to be alright. not this pill. he was fucked up man. i had to take him for a walk around ealing. we had nice kisses and a good chat. returned to the pàrty and dropped another third. easy. time passes. its 4. missed the last tube by 5 hours. taxi. we get home, damo doesnt live here so we snuck him in. he got caught had to pay rent. bah. hung around helens room smoking and tlaking smack for the next five hours. im fucked. oh yeah finished the pill. anyway im fucked. i just want to have a shower with damien. so i have a shower. finish at 930. fuck gotta work in half an hour. it wasnt going to happen i was way to fucked man. i didnt have a clue what was going on in the world. anywho as it turns out i ended up calling work at 1030 and giving some poor excuse about having to finish my last job blah blah. went to bed with damien and stayed there all freakin day. got up to buy dinner about 10pm then back to bed.

now its monday. iv achieved nothing this weekend except happy memories. all you need right? im sorry sam for not calling back like i said i would but i ran out of credit. i will in a couple of days okey dokey?? jealous of splendour and all the fun you guys are having. man how good would it be to see the veronicas. just kididng. not really. so yeah once agian a scattered post. i am in control. i miss you guys lots. not long till kiki gets here and bens coming to stay for the next couple of days. first person iv seen since i left. cant wait. love you guys stay safe. love love love you love you.

hiya girls,

Last night there was a big party in the hostel. i got drunk. gemma got drunk. damien was mean to me and told me he doesnt like me. then we went for a walk to this beautiful park nearby which only the rich people have keys for. we climbed the fence and lay on the grass and damien smoked some more weed. it was nice to talk to actually talk to him. we decided that we are never going to work and perhaps this should be a casual thing. we then had sex in the middle of the night in the middle of the park in the middle of freezing fucking winter in london. it was the nicest sex since iv been here. then we went and had some dinner and went to bed. he is a bed hog and never moves over and i always wake up sore. he was cranky and bossed me around and blah blah. he does to many drugs and drinks too much and never remembers what he says. first he says he doesnt like me then he says im his baby and blahblah. iv had enough. i dont want anymore. laura came back from madrid last night and brought me a beautiful hand painted wooden fan that shes teaching me how to flick open. gemmas on the phone talking to someone about her bed bugs. i have to go to work at 5. also the irani guy told me last night he is a sniper. followed by 'iv had a lot to drink and am feeling very horny. how horny are you?' at one point in the night me and gem went and knocked on the door of the two sexiest australians. chris and toby. theyre really nice guys. chris made me coffee this morning. lovely lovely guys. he also told me yesterday that once when he was 17 he didnt have a condom so he used a picnic wrapper. so i bought a mars baar and gave him the rubbish. hes hot. man this is a scattered post. ooooh and helen the irish girl who is crazy and also best friends with damien told me she adores me and that we two are exactly the same. it was nice to hear because i always thought i was never cool enough for her and after she got back from mexico i worried what shed think about me and damo. but iv become really close with her and another girl lisa. they are the sweetest girls and the conversations i have them keep me sane. i got home from work the other night after a chaotic chaotic night at weatherspoons. had way too much to drink a lline of coke and then a shot of helens toxic toxic mexican teuquila. two minutes later everything went black and i stumbled into bed. woke up at 10.30 the next morning. who is this carl that ben talks about in his email? oh god my mind is not quite there at present. look after yourself girls and dont let silly boys get you down. i miss you. love t